As I've gone through ups and downs in ministry throughout this semester, I can't help but wonder how or why I can know Jesus, know His commands, know what His Word says is true of me, know that Its only with God that anything I do is possible or relevant... YET... its in my insecurities, its in my pride, its in my American need to be so darn efficient and on top of things, that I get caught up in myself and lack dependence upon God.
When I'm exposed to my own doubts, and exposed to opportunities to be self-sufficient, impatient or judgmental... I have a choice! I can 1) go with the flow and once again fall short and cling to my pride and abilities, once again allowing unhealthy thoughts to take me captive or 2)I can recognize the danger in this mindset and turn away... running back to God and the truth of His Word.
As I serve here and live life alongside college students who are on all sorts of spiritual journeys, I want to love them and be able to point them toward the God who loves them and is the only place where they could have the desires of their heart met. But in the last few weeks I've been more easily irritated and impatient... and I've recognized that I've been pouring myself out in ministry without first being filled with God's love and strength. I've been serving Him out of my own strength which is always always ALWAYS insufficient!
I must give myself first to the Lord and then to ministry. I dare say that my ministry nearly became my walk with God! I'm looking forward to going away to our Mid Year Conference for a week of focusing on Him again :)
Emily, I love this post. I think what you are experiencing is so common to people whose full-time job is ministry, or who are really involved in their church, or who are constantly surrounded by Christians. It's easy to fall into the deception that our external activities can replace internally communing with God. I'll be praying for you! Press into Him, take time for Him, and He will work mightily as you fellowship with Him!
ReplyDelete